Loss of Relationship
A common misconception is that feelings of grief only occur after the death of a loved one. However, losing any close relationship, such as breaking up with an intimate partner, can cause feelings of grief. Research shows that students endorse a breakup as one of the most significant non-death-related loss events of the past 12 months.1 College students have also identified breakups as a significant stressor in their lives.1
Grief: Breakups
For athletes, the college experience typically happens during early adulthood, which is commonly recognized as a time period in which close relationships with peers and romantic partners are established. This journey in finding the people you want to spend time with long-term can include difficult relationship losses. Experiencing a breakup during college can result in cognitive, emotional, and physical distress, which may include a manifestation of grief. Responses to breakups identified by college students include feelings of anxiety and depression, immune system suppression, and psychopathology (other mental/behavioral disorders). Frequently, these non-death related losses, though exceptionally painful and challenging, are prone to being invalidated, minimized, and disregarded by others.1Perceptions about how a person should grieve following the loss of a loved one are often directed by "socially acceptable" ways of grieving. These unspoken expectations may include how long a person is supposed to grieve, how and when grief should reveal itself, and which losses are appropriate to mourn. When the social expectations of grief are defied, as they often are, the person experiencing grief may notice stigmatization of their mourning by others. These interactions may include exclusion of the griever, denial that the loss is meaningful, and invalidation of the griever's behaviors and/or emotions following the loss.1 It can be challenging for the griever to experience this rejection and stigmatization following the loss of someone who was dear to them. If you have lost a relationship with someone you care for, it is important to remember that your pain is real, and there is no wrong way to grieve. It is also essential to be kind to your friends, teammates, and others in your life who have experienced loss, even if they are grieving in an unexpected manner.
Common Reactions to Grief:4
Grief is the normal process of reacting to the loss:
- Emotional numbness, shock, disbelief, or denial. These often happen right after the loss, especially if it was not expected.
- Anxiety over being separated from the loved one. The person grieving may wish to bring the person back and become lost in thoughts of the loved one.
- Distress leading to crying; sighing; having dreams, illusions, and hallucinations of the person; and looking for places or things that were shared with them.
- Anger.
- Periods of sadness, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, extreme tiredness, guilt, and loss of interest in life. Day-to-day living may be affected.4
Coping With a Breakup: Breakup Pamphlet (PDF)
- Recognize that it's OK to have different feelings. It's normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, anxious, and/or confused. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Try to accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, moving on into the unknown is scary.2
- Give yourself a break. You have permission to feel and to perform at a less than ideal level for a period of time. You might not be able to be quite as productive on your schoolwork or as engaged in activities as you normally are. You are a human, not a machine. Take time to heal, regroup and re-energize2.
- Don't go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this loss. Consider finding support in friends who have also experienced a breakup. Isolating yourself from your friends and family can increase your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your commitments. Don't be afraid to get outside help if you need it2.
- Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Take the time to eat well and relax. Try to go about normal routines as much as possible, even though it's hard. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes for a while, such as changing your major or buying a new car. Don't cope with alcohol or drugs, they will only make things worse when their effects fade2.
- Take time to explore your interests. Reconnect with things you like doing apart from your partner. Maybe you like to paint, watch football, backcountry ski, hike, or swim, but your partner never did. Try exploring one of these hobbies. Take time to enjoy life and make new friends or invest time in the friendships you already have2.
- Think positively. Easier said than done, of course. Things may not be the same but going forward with reasonable expectations will make the transition easier. Be flexible2.
- Life will get back to normal, although "normal" may be different from what you had originally expected2.
- You will get through this.
More Information on Breakups
- TED Talk: How to Fix a Broken Heart
- Breakup Pamphlet (PDF)
- How to Get Over a Relationship
- Psychology Today: This Is Your Brain on a Breakup
Bereavement
Bereavement is the time of grief and mourning following the death of a loved one. When someone you love passes away, it can change your world.3 You miss the person you lost and want them back. You may feel sad, alone, or angry. You may have a hard time concentrating in school or at practice. You may also experience difficulty sleeping. These feelings are completely normal. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to mourn.3Grief is a process of letting go and learning to accept the loss and live with it. Experts say you should let yourself grieve in your own way and time. Everyone grieves and expresses their emotions differently. Some people express emotion by doing things rather than talking, like going on a walk or swimming, going to a comedy show, or by doing something creative like writing or painting. Other people may benefit from talking with family and friends or with a counselor.3 Be kind to yourself, especially if your way of grieving seems "abnormal." Know that there truly is no "normal" way to grieve.
Complicated Grief
Complicated grief is a pattern of grief that is different from the most common patterns.4 Such reactions are well-documented in research and include:
- Minimal grief reaction: A grief pattern in which the person has little or no signs of distress or problems that occur with other types of grief.
- Chronic grief: A grief pattern in which the symptoms of common grief last for an extended period of time. The symptoms are very similar to that of major depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress.
For more information on grief, bereavement, and loss:
- TED Talk: We Don't "Move on" From Grief, We Move Forward With It
- Grief, bereavement, and coping with loss (PDQ®): Patient version
- Coping with Grief: Life after loss
Resources
References:- Reimer, J.E. & Estrada, A.R. (2020) College Students' Grief Over a Breakup, Journal of Loss and Trauma. doi: 10.1080/15325024.2020.1757992
- Mental Health America. (n.d.). Coping with separation and divorce. Retrieved from: https://www.mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce#:~:text=Take%20care%20of%20yourself%20emotionally%20and%20physically.&text=Take%20time%20out%20to%20exercise,only%20lead%20to%20more%20problems.
- National Institute of Health, News in Health (2017). Coping with grief: Life after loss. Retrieved from: https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2017/10/coping-grief
- National Cancer Institute. (2013). Grief, bereavement, and coping with loss (PDQ®): Patient version. Retrieved from: https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/advanced-cancer/caregivers/planning/bereavement-pdq#section/all
Developed 2021 by Quinn DeStefano, OTD Student
Reviewed 2021 by Aaron Grusonik, MA, Psy.D
